Beyond the Veil, Part 1

I can remember a number of times when I was alive where I thought to myself, "If only I didn't need to sleep every night, imagine how much I could get done." Well, let me just say that there is both truth and falsehood in that thought.

I no longer need sleep, biologically anyway, but I do find myself taking some time nearly every evening to meditate and allow my spirit/mind time to process and catch up with the increased input and demands it is under with a nearly 24 hour a day operation. I am still learning various coping mechanisms to my new existence.

This blog is one such coping mechanism. I started this blog with the idea of helping both myself and my former team mates who had not yet faced the transition that I had. Now though, I find myself using it as a tool to help me come to terms with what has happened, and in at least one case recently, to steel myself to do what needed to be done.

I have found out exactly how important this entire process is in these last few days by actually failing to find the time to make my entries. I have been less focused, more anxious, and even depressed when I have failed to at least make some sort of entry. I don't know how many of you are out there reading this, but just imagining that there are living, breathing people reading my entries has helped me to carry on. This is especially true since I learned from John Red Bear how to let go of my Chakra, should I choose to do so. I taught that skill to Greg and was rewarded by watching him pass from the prison that we had chosen for ourselves. Seeing him pass on to the next world was a revelation, knowing that I too could take that path if I chose to.

But I have a mission now. Drake saw me in the lab when Greg took his final trip away from the Chakra that was going to make him a zombie like me. He may not have been able to see into the spiritworld and know exactly what happened, but he was astute enough to see that something strange and powerful had happened. The bastard seemed to KNOW that Greg's body would never be animated in the same way that mind has been, and ended the process that day, telling the lab staff to place the body in storage and to clean up the equipment.

The bastard didn't say shit to me all week until Friday.

That was quite a surprise however, I reported for work on Friday and found the office closed. I had worked late the previous night helping the Lab Geeks disassemble some of the larger pieces of equipment into more storable components, but I had no clue that they would actually be closing down the whole office.

When I showed up on Friday, the door was locked and the reception area seemed empty. My keycard didn't work on the door, so I 'unlocked' the door in a more traditional way, by putting my fist through the glass and turning the handle from the inside.

As it had appeared from the outside, the reception area was totally cleaned out. I made my way back past the interview rooms towards the Lab, only to find that I had to 'unlock' another door. Again, the lab was cleaned out. All of the equipment was gone, all of the files were gone, the only things left were some generic cleaning supplies and a few broken tubes and vials.

I went back to that conference room that Drake liked so much. This door was slightly ajar, so I stepped into the dimly lit room.

This room was unchanged. The prick was sitting right there at his table, as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. There was only one other chair at the table, the one near my end that I had chosen before, in defiance of him.

"What the Hell is going on?"

He smiled, as usual and motioned for me to have a seat.

I sat down, but was ready to spring up in case things got nasty.

"My time here is over," he started, "and if you are wise, you will find that it is time for you to join me and end this charade."

"What do you mean?"

"Officer Smith," for the first time since I had died, he used my previous identity, "I have great plans for you, and others like you who choose to find immortality, who choose to become more than human!"

"What are you smoking? I didn't choose this...this existence. When you approached me for this damn project, I didn't think I even had a soul. I figured you were some weird quack with more money than brains. If I knew now, what I knew then, I would've never gotten mixed up with your crazy plans."

"But you do know better now, and yet you have chosen to stay. Why not leave, like you taught your friend to do?"

That brought me up short. I remained silent, staring into his vacant, black eyes.

"I think you remain here because you are afraid to move on. Even now, you doubt that you would be able to move on to that next phase. You fear death, as well you should!"

"I can you one thing, you bastard, I sure as Hell don't fear you anymore, and nothing you can say will make me join you in wherever it is you are and your cohorts are going. But, I will find you, wherever you go, and I will put an end to these fucking experiments you are conducting, if its the last thing I do!" With that I got up and was moving towards him. I had finally gathered up my resolve to extract a little revenge on his scrawny ass.

He smiled that bloodless smile of his, reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a small remote control device. He showed it to me with tantalizing slowness. I lunged towards his hand, not knowing what the heck that thing could do, only to find myself falling and unable to catch myself when he pressed one of the buttons on the device.

I lay on the floor, still able to hear and see what was going on, but unable to move even so much as a finger.

"Tsk, tsk," I heard in the ear that was pointed towards the ceiling, "you didn't think I would allow one of my creations to have the ability to bring me harm, do you? I know you can hear me and that you cannot respond. This device has totally paralyzed all of your movement functions, so you wil have to listen to what I have to say now.

"I know your type, boy. I have been around far longer than you can imagine. You have been useful. I have the evidence I need to show those who finance my work what can be done with the proper resources. It is time to begin the next phase of my work. I fear though that you will not be of further use to me. It is time for you to make your final journey beyond the veil. When I press this second button, the device that houses your spirit will dissolve and you will have no choice but to begin that journey you fear so much."

I tried again to move, but was unable to do so. I then shifted my attention to moving into the spirit world. I was feeling a lot pressure to do something though, so I was unable to immediately focus as I needed to.

"I can almost sense your struggle," he said, still close to my ear, "I can tell that you are not ready for that final passage. That is why you need me. With my help, you need not face that journey for a very long time. Join with me, you've seen what can be done. We have so much more to do and discover together.

"I will now active your speech center so tha tyou may respond to me. Will you join me, or must I discard you as I have the others before you who have failed me?"

I could 'feel' the speech center being activated. Still working on my concetration to move into the spirit world, I rasped out, "Never asshole. If you let me up, I'll send your ass on a journey!"

"Ah yes, that's what I thought you would say. Very well, you have given me everything I truly needed from you anyway..."

I interrupted him one last time, "I will hunt you down and finish you, you bastard!"

"I think not. Your time here and now is ended. I am sorry you've brought me to this point."

With that, he pressed the button that would have, should have, ended my second life, such as it is...

(continued tomorrow)

Q&A

This post will be dedicated solely to transcribing parts of a sworrn statement that was faxed to me from the detective working the case of Officer Greg Tasker’s murder. As usual, I have sanitized the names of those involved, for obvious legal reasons. I think you will find this very interesting reading:

Detective (D): You understand that you have the right to remain silent?

Suspect (S): Yeah.

D: You also understand that you can have an attorney present during your questioning, and that if you can’t afford one, an attorney will be provided to you at no cost?

S: I know my rights. Let’s get on with this shit.

D: Hey, you know I have to follow procedure. Just to be clear, this session is being filmed, and anything you say now can and will be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you? If you do, please state so for the record and initial this card right here. (Showed suspect the Miranda waiver card.)

S: Yeah. (Suspect signed card.)

D: So you’ve been arrested before, right?

S: You got my sheet in front of you, you know I have been.

D: Yes, I have your RAP sheet in front of me here. It says right here though that you were convicted of Assault on Peace Officer, and Narcotics Possession with Intent to Sell in December 1999, and that you were convicted to serve 10 years in the Big House. You shouldn’t be sitting here in this precint, why aren’t you in prison right now?

S: Hey man, what can I say, the System sucks sometimes, don’t it?

D: Seriously, you shouldn’t even be up for parole for another two years. Am I going to be getting an Alert on your escape from the penitentiary when we run your prints?

S: I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me? Maybe the governor wanted to ease that overcrowding problem.

D: Oh, I have already called up the Corrections Dept. I have requested your file to be delivered here by express courier. I should have it soon after we finish here.

S: So why you sweating me then? Read it your own damn self.

D: I need to know why you went after that police officer. I’ve got good statements from those two other thugs, they ratted you out man. Why did you wait outside that store?

S: Look man, its personal.

D: What do you mean, it’s personal? Did you know this officer?

S: Yeah, I knew Tasker.

D: How did you know him?

S: You’ll see when you read my file.

D: Can’t you help me out here? I need to understand this. You’re accused of killing a police officer, that’s a capital offense now.

S: I know. But it’s personal between me and him. Real personal.

D: How? What’s he ever done to you?

S: Man, that punk assed cop stopped me back in ‘99 when I was driving my brother’s car. I was on my way home from work, and it was late, I was in a hurry. Anyways, he profiled my ass. I was just minding my business when he stopped me and made up a pretext to search the car. How was I to know that my brother had some of his shit in the trunk. He didn‘t say anything ‘bout it when I asked to borrow the thing.

D: So you were caught with your brother’s drugs? You didn’t know he was dealing?

S: Naw man, it ain’t like that. I think he was just moving the stuff for a friend of his. But yeah, I had to get back and forth to work, and I didn’t have a car yet, I was just out of the joint from some petty theft charge. But see, he just saw another black man driving a nice car. He stopped me, found out that I was just out on probation, and used that to search the car. He was smiling, thought he’d caught himself a gangsta.

D: Ok, so he searched the car and found the drugs you say your brother was moving. What happened next?

S: He wouldn’t listen to me. I had to get home to pick up my baby girl. I didn’t have time to mess around explaining things to some racist cop.

D: So you tried to leave?

S: Yeah. I told him to keep the drugs and let my ass go. I tried to tell him I was trying to stay straight. I had a daughter, a job, I just needed a chance. But he wouldn’t listen. When I tried to walk away, he tackled my ass. We tussled a bit, but he was bigger and stronger. He cuffed me and took my ass to jail.

D: He was just doing his job, how was he to know that those drugs weren’t yours? You were a convicted felon.

S: Yeah. But later that week, when I was sitting in jail on those bogus charges, the guy who’s shit was taken came and shot up my brother’s house. (Suspect breaks down sobbing)

D: Here’s a tissue. So who got hurt in the driveby?

S: Oh this wasn’t any damn driveby man, these cats were serious. They busted in an shot everydamnbody...my brother, his shorty, my moms, and my baby girl. All dead! For what, 2 bags of shit and a bored assed cop profiling me! I got nobody now.

D: OK. I can see why you were angry, but why not take it out on the men who killed your family?

S: Oh, don’t worry about that, I got that bastard already. But Tasker was something I needed to do.

(Break in interview for soft drinks.)

D: So how did you get out of the Big House this soon?

S: Man, it was weird. I was approached in the joint by another prisoner, some aryan mother-fucker. He asked if I wanted to get back at the cop who put me in there. ‘Course I said yes. This was about 3 months ago. But I asked this guy, what could I do? I was locked up with no parole for another 2 years plus. He looks at me with his tattoed grill and just said “Don’t worry Darkie, soemobody wants him bad too. Just be ready when the warden calls you to his office.”

D: How soon did the warden contact you?

S: It was quick as hell man. I was brought in the next damn morning. There was the warden, and some pasty white, and I mean PASTY mf-er, stasnding there with him. The warden just walked out and left me this guy, he made my hair stand on end. He was freaky.

D: Did he give his name?

S: Naw, he said that wouldn’t be important. This guy, see he talks in this really low voice, and he smiles a lot, this cold kind of smile that made me sick. Anyways, he says he knows about my case and what happened to my family. He offers me this deal. He says he needs Tasker to be killed while on duty. He says he will get me a good conduct parole and give me all the tools and info I will need.

D: And you agreed to do this?

S: Man, what you think? I blamed Tasker for everything. If his fat ass had been eating donuts and not stopped me for mothing that night, I would’ve had my whole family still. Yeah, I took the deal. But only after he promised to track down that dealer and deliver him to me for me to deal with, alone.

D: How long did it take to get your parole?

S: Aw, I was out on the street in a week flat, faster’n you can say shit! It was good while it lasted too. Got my freak on, killed that dopehead. I lived fast and hard, cause I know I ain’t EVER gonna see the light of day again.

D: Did he promise you an\y more help?

S: Naw, he told me I’d probably get caught. But see, I ain’t got nothing and nobody now. I might as well live out what time I have on Death Row. I don’t need anythig else. I got Tasker and you can put it right there on paper and show your damn tapes to whoever you want. Fry my ass. I won’t be the first or the last. But my people are avenged now. I can die in peace.

D: So do you want to tell me about the dealer, and where I might his body too?

END TRANSCRIPTION

Looking to the Light

I have a great deal of news to report, which I will go about doing over the next few days, but first, I need to give Greg his own final posting.

It was easier than I thought it would be, to teach Greg how to free himself from the spiritual prisons that we helped to build for ourselves. That's what El Diablito was doing with us on those occasions that we went to his little warehouse shop in Hialeah well after his normal closing hours.

It was a long, grueling and nasty process. There seemed to be an endless array of rituals, body fluids and other foul smelling ingredients brewing in the back room of that shop. I can recall at least three different occasions that I would be sitting there waiting for that little troll to finish some ritual or another and then feel a sharp prick on my back, or my arm. He would use these burned, nasty looking needles to prick us. His smile was wicked as he stared at the red drops of blood dribbling down the needle, as he pranced away to his crowded altars to finish the spell that would create the prison that is now my Chakra.

It was the same for all six of us really, we compared notes on a number of occasions afterwards, but we all went through the process alone. Oh, Drake was usually there as well since he brought each us down to see El Diablito personally, but he always drifted away once the rituals started. Even that cold fish seemed uncomfortable around El Diablito when he really got going in his full regalia.

I thought I was going to have to do something physical in order to free Greg from his Chakra-to-be, and I thought I was going to be doing it on Friday once I read the statement from the detective who had arrested the primary suspect in Greg's killing. Instead, Friday morning while I was in the meditative state that I slip into when I am 'flushing and gushing', I felt John Red Bear approach me from the Underworld. I concentrated and slipped out of my body and darted through the drain in my shower to emerge in our normal meeting place, a shadowy clearing in a darkly overgrown pine forest. He was in his usual form, that of a scarred black bear with a big splotch of red fur that resembled a man's head on his chest. I was in my own form, enjoying the feeling of touching, smelling, breathing once again.

"Brother Bones," he said, "you must meet me in real life, near the city in Ohio named for the Deathbringer, Colombus. There is a museum for the iron steeds you call motorcycles. Meet me there at dawn tomorrow."

"Why?" I asked. "I think Greg needs me now. I don't know how soon the Chakra will be sealed away from easy access."

He stood up on his rear legs, towering over me until he placed his front paws on my shoulders and brought his grizzled muzzle down to look me in the eyes. He snickered, as much as a bear can snicker anyway, and said "Do not worry, the prisons that hold you and your friend can be broken only from the inside. I will show you how tomorrow."

"Really? Are you sure?"

"I am. There is much to discuss, I have other important information for you as well. It is imperative that you meet me, our time will be short. Make sure you donothing out of the ordinary today. Go to work as you would normally, assist your keepers in any way they need you to, but leave tonight. Drive there, do not allow yourself to be followed."

Our conversation went on, but too keep it short and on point, I returned to my body and finished what business I needed to that day, and followed the instructions I was given, both by the Lab Geeks who still needed my help on a daily basis moving Greg's increasingly heavy body around to the different machines they used, and later those given to me by John Red Bear.

I met with him as planned the next morning. I got in his car in the parking lot and we went for a long, twisting drive through the suburbs of Colombus until we came to a large, open park that was pretty much abandoned on a cold Saturday morning in February.

We got out and crunched through the frozen, wet grass. While we walked, he talked for what seemed like hours. Many of the things he told me will be revealed in later posts and in the book that I am working on, but what's important here now is that he taught me how Greg and I could free ourselves from the Chakra devices that El Diablito had constructed. It was both incredibly hard, but maddeningly simple.

Essentially, what kept us trapped within the Chakras was a deep seated fear of that final death, that final passing into the unknown darkness that Drake and his henchmen had been subtly pushing on us since we first joined the program. John taught me that the cord that kept our spirits tied to this device was both as easy to snap as thin fishing line, or as tough as the strongest metal linked chain. We 'merely' had to unravel the chains of our own fears of moving forward into the unknown worlds beyond this one and seek out the Light that lit the way. Uh yeah...just that damn easy.

The reasons for the clandestine nature of our meeting will be revealed later, but I will let you know that there is far, far more to John than he had previously let on, and that I was enlisted fully by him to help in some ways that will soon become clearer.

In the end, I was finally convinced that the solution he had, for Greg anyway, was viable and I agreed to see if Greg would try it.

Early this morning, I went to the office before any of the regulars would be in, and found Greg where I had left him. I told him of the plan and showed him what I could of the techniques that John had taught me. He was eager to try it. He took to the exercises easily. He retreated briefly back into the Chakra, re-emerging moments later, brighter, fuller. He seemed to be smiling as he I watched him work. Soon, I could almost see the cord connecting his spirit to the Chakra grow fainter, weaker. There was one brief flicker, as doubt seemed to creep in, but that faded just as a shimmering tunnel seemed grow from the ceiling. The Light illuminated us both. His spirit seemed to grow in strength as he floated up to it. He looked down at me briefly, a look of pure joy and exhiliration as he cried out-"Mom!"

I can't tell you how much I wanted to follow him at that moment! But as the Light faded, I slipped back into my own body and glanced to my right to see Drake standing there in the doorway to the lab. His expression was that same, bloodless smile that he always had, but I could tell he knew something had happened.

Without a word, he turned and left, the door slamming behind him with a loud bang. Inside I felt a joy that was but a shadow of the joy that Greg felt. "Take that, you bastard." I mumbled.

I looked down at Greg's now truly lifeless body and knew that I had done good. He was at peace at last.

I, however, have a shitload more work to do before I can find such peace.

Arresting Developments

A couple of quick notes tonight.

First of all, I have received a message from that detective. They have arrested the primary suspect in Greg's killing and are interrogating him now. I should have a full copy of his statement soon.

Second, my choice has been made in regards to the requests that Greg has made of me.

Third, I must be very careful at the moment, it appears some of my communications are being monitored.

Finally, I expect some big time changes in my situation in the very near future...look for more information sometime after Saturday evening. Until then, I will be unlikely to make further entries.

Possible Lead

When I was at Greg's funeral, I met a number of fellow officers of his department. I made sure to take aside a detective who I knew to be one of his closest buddies and asked to be apprised of any meaningful developments in the hunt for his killer.

This morning I received a message on my home answering machine from this detective that the had a very good lead on who the killer is believed to be, but that the guy appears to have gone to ground and was making himself very scarce. It took all of my willpower not to get in my vehicle and start the long drive tonight when I got home and heard the message.

But I need to stick around here to keep an eye on Greg and his transition. Today, we laid out his body on this special metallic table that is very maneuverable--it can be moved relatively easily between the various large machines that are needed to complete the preparations of the body. They have started the chemical treatments on his skin and musculature. Later next week they will start on his bones. My window of opportunity to end this process is going to be short.

Today, I spent some more quiet time with communicating with Greg's spirit, trying to feel out how sure he is of his desire to end the process and move on to the next world. I tried to play Devil's Advocate with him to see if I could convince him to ride out these doubts. No dice. He desperately wants to move on and to be done with this whole process. The longer I spoke with him, the surer I became of the strength and depth of his feelings.

I want to help him. But something tells me that I need more info. I hope that detective can track down that killer and get some solid information from him. It would make my decision much easier.

Speaking of following up leads, I need to pick up my own case when I have a chance. After this situation with Greg plays out, I need to see about getting transferred back to Michigan so I can find my own killers and settle some debts that are way overdue.

I apologize for the disjointed nature of these last couple of entries...but with the decision about whether to help Greg in the way he wants me to weighing on my mind, I can't seem to focus properly.

Dilemma

I have just returned from the office.

I went with Drake and his team (including Dr. Geek and some of his assistants) to the Dallas area, where the funeral took place. It was a long trip, we took a small corporate style jet on the way out--it's much easier for me to travel by air using such means, since there is no way any airport screener would allow me to pass through their checkpoints...even with a Bureau badge and credentials.

On the way back though, I accompanied Greg's body back in the back of a special semi-trailer.

The funeral was very surreal. Going through the ceremonies and seeing his body laying in the casket brought back memories of my own passing. I haven't written about that time yet in this forum, because it was intensely personal, and very difficult. I shall try to talk about it now, because it has important implications in my current dilemma.

When I was killed that night, there was almost no pain. I didn't feel my body after the initial impact. I also didn't see any special tunnel of lights like so many people describe from their near death experiences. One moment I was confronted by a group fo masked punks, the next moment I see a flash, hear a bang, and feel the explosion on my forehead. An instant of splitting pain, and then....nothing but blackness.

In what seemed a time period that stretched into eternity, I lay there in darkness. Hearing nothing, seeing nothing. I could only remember thinking that perhaps I had been right all along...that we humans had no souls. We were born, we lived as best we could, and when we died, nothing...but, as you know now, I was wrong.

Sometime after my body had been picked up and delivered to the morgue for processing, I felt a strange pulling sensation. In a strange, surreal moment, I realized I could sit up. Flexing what felt like muscles, I stretched and sat up from the slab in the morgue. The lights were bleary, blinking and inconsistent. Shadows played in strange ways. The color seemed washed out of everything. I looked down at my hand and saw through it to my flesh still laying lifeless on the table. The part of me that sat up was not my body, but my...spirit, I guess. I was able to get up completely from my body, feeling a strange pull to a box on another table.

I walked (floated?)(moved?) over to this box and saw my bloodsoaked uniform laying inside, with my other personal affects laying there. I felt pulled towards the necklace that I had worn since my last visit to El Diablito in Florida, when he had completed the rituals that had created it. (I now call the amulet that was attached to that necklace my Chakra.)

As I was contemplating all of this, I realized the strange shadows that seemed to keep moving about were actually people! They seemed to come in and out of focus, to disappear and reappear without rhyme or reason. I tried blinking, but it just wasn't the same, I had no real physical sensations anymore. I realized it was me who was the shadow and the shadows were the real people.

I tried calling out, screaming, but no one seemed to notice at first. There was this one woman, a morgue technician, I think, who seemed to pause a couple of times and look in my direction. But she seemed to shiver and shake it off, like she was dismissing a bad feeling or shaking herself from a momentary daydream. The voices of these people seemed garbled at times, and others time rang clear in sort of randomized bits, sort of like having water trapped in your ear, or trying to listen to the words someone is saying while they, or you, are underwater.

This weird transitional state lasted for days. I found that I mostly tied to the amulet, although I could move away for short periods. The farther I moved, and the longer I was away from it though, the harder the compulsion to return became. It also seemed like a slender, shadowy cord seemed to connect my spirit self to the amulet. The farther I moved, the thinner it became.

I have much more to say about this time, but that will be for other posts, or maybe for the book.

My present dilemma comes from the fact that I know that Greg's spirit is near his body and the amulet that was made for him as well. I can SEE and HEAR him like I never could sense such things before. I am torn. I used some of the skills that John Red Bear has taught me to step more fully into the spirit world and talk to him. It was a long ride back from Seattle and we had much to talk about. I need to keep our conversation confidential at this point, but let me just say he wants me to find a way to release him before they finish the project and bring him back fully like they have done to me. He is completely miserable. He also thinks that Drake had something to do with his murder and doesn't want to participate any further.

I think I might know how I could do this, but obviously if I help him like this, I jeopardize much. I don't think I can do it quietly or in a way that won't be figured out pretty easily. I also don't know if he has fully thought out the implications of my acting on his current wish. I don't know if he will feel this way once the process is completed, or if he will change his mind.

So my choices are: 1) let things continue to progress unimpeded and try to comfort Greg as best I can, 2) do something to stop his transition, or 3) let Drake know that Greg can communicate with me now and see what he has to say about this development.

I am leaning towards helping Greg to end his experiment, but I am stll wrestling with these possibilities and seemingly endless combinations.

The Bureau (and Drake) don't know about his blog yet, so what I say here is pretty safe for the moment, but it will one day be discovered as well. When that happens, I don't know how Drake will react, but I don't think it be pleasant!

I will post more on this problem as I can.

Confronting Drake

I have just returned home from a 24 hour plus workday. Doesn’t feel nearly as tiring as it would have been before...but this is not new to most of you. I have just finished ‘flushing and gushing’ a new supply of calories...Dr. Pepper tonight.

The meeting took place as planned, Thursday afternoon. I reported to the conference room where Drake likes to hold his meetings.

As I entered the building and made my way back to the conference room, I noticed that people were on edge. Betty barely wanted to glance my way, just buzzing me back through without so much as a hello. In the hallways, there was none of the usual traffick of agents and support personnel hustling back and forth as might happen on a ‘normal’ day at this time. I took the way back that avoided the entrance to the NecroLab. I figured those guys would want to see me even less than Betty would.

Back at the door to the conference room, the door clicked open as I approached, perfectly timed with my arrival.

Drake was in his normal position at the far end of the expansive table. He seemed small, yet still dangerous in his large, leather chair. My place had apparently been chosen ahead of time as a chair just to his left was pulled out, with a pad of paper and a pen sitting atop of it waiting for me.

Instead, I pulled out the similarly large chair at the other end of the conference table, about 15 feet away from Drake, and sat down, defiant.

We sat silently gauging each other, neither one of us rushing to break the silence, engaging in a little brinksmanship.

Finally, he smiled that bloodless, tight smile of his. “I see. So the Student wishes to break from the Master.”

“I don’t know what you are referring to, but I am not going to be treated like a possession any more. I am not some damn circus animal performing tricks for you or anyone else.”

“You are unique, Agent Bones. No one knows exactly what you are capable of, and because of that, we are curious. We need to know if there are improvements we can make for...”

“For those who follow behind me...yeah, I know. I’ve heard the company line too many times to count.”

He waited, silent, for me to continue with the unspoken questions.

“Dammit, I want to know what happened to Greg.”

“He was killed in the line of duty...”

Impatient, I brought my hand down on the table with an audible smack, silencing him. “Goddamit, I know he was killed on duty. I read the reports and talked to his department. I know the gloss you want others to believe, you fucking leach, but I KNOW you had something to do with his death, with my death, and with Brian’s death too. You are going to come straight with me or so help me...”

“Agent Bones, it will not be good for your career, or for anyone here for you to be threatening me, or to be engaging in baseless speculation. I can assure you that I have had nothing to do with the deaths of you or anyone else who has participated in this program.”

“I don’t believe you. I may not be able to prove it yet, but I am not going to stop searching for the clues that you or your henchman have left behind.”

He sneered at me. “You may be a fine investigator, Agent Bones, but you will not find what does not exist. You and your fellow team members were all chosen because you were fine officers. But you were also chosen because you worked in a very dangerous field. It is very unfortunate that now four out of the first six we have chosen have passed away so soon and in such tragic circumstances. But I assure you, neither I nor any of my associates and partners have had anything to do with your deaths.

“As a matter of fact,” he continued, “we were not fully prepared to handle the passing of so many of you within such a short period of time. That is one of the reasons that you were the first one to be brought back successfully. Now don’t get me wrong, we did our best to make each transition successful, but it just wasn’t possible before you.

“Indeed, if I had my druthers, I would not be going to Officer Tasker’s funeral on Saturday. We will make every effort to fulfill our obligation to bring Officer Tasker back and give him the same support in this process that you have received. But it will be challenging, we will be straining all of our resources to accomplish that task and to keep working with you.”

I glared at him, not allowing myself to believe his fake sympathy. “You knew that Greg was going to quit the program didn’t you?”

His expression didn’t change. Either he knew, or he had the best damnpoker face besides, well...me.

“How could I know what his intentions were Agent Bones? He has never communicated a desire to quit to me or anyone on my staff.”

“Not yet. He told me on Saturday that he was gonna quit and try to save his marriage.”

“Unfortunately, he never expressed such a sentiment to me. However, if everything goes as well as I expect it to, he will be able to communicate with us within two weeks. If he tells us to discontinue our efforts, we will do so, no further questions asked.”

I stared at him, trying to gauge the truth to his words. “After all of the investment you and the Bureau have made in us, you expect me to believe that you would let his spirit go if he wanted you to?”

He opened his clasped hands, showing his bare palms in that universal gesture of someone showing they have peaceful intentions. “Yes, I do. We have no interest in unwilling subjects. Which brings me back to you. Your recent outbursts and your hostile attitudes towards myself and the heroes in that Lab who have worked day and night to make you functional over the last fifteen months are simply unacceptable. Do you wish to continue with this project?”

That caught me off-guard! “Do you mean that I have options?”

“Yes, of course. I thought I had made that clear previously. If you do not wish to continue in this program, we can de-activate the device that contains your spirit and you will be free to pursue whatever afterlife you have earned for yourself.”

‘What if I don’t want to continue working for you, but want to keep myself, as I am now, intact?”

“That would be more problematic. There are certain obligations that need to be fulfilled, contractually, as well as morally.”

I was curious at this. “What do you mean about moral obligations?”

“Well, as you demonstrated so well in your previous assignments, and unfortunately on poor Dr. Bernstein, you are rather dangerous when you choose to be. I cannot, in good conscience, allow you to leave this program and my supervision as you are now if you are going to be a menace to society.”

I thought about that for a minute. Damn, he had a point. How did he change my focus so easily from my outrage at his alleged guilt (that I had no proof of, yet) to my own rather questionable behavior?

“OK, I admit I haven’t been the best behaved little zombie. I want to be around to talk to Greg when he is able to communicate, and will do what I can to help, if you wish.”

Drake smiled. This time it seemed more genuine. “Yes, I would like that very much. Now, we have a great deal of work to do in order to prepare for Officer Tasker’s arrival after the funeral. Dr. Bernstein could use your assistance in the Lab with some very heavy equipment.”

He stood up, seeming pretty smug about things.

I stood up as well. “Yeah, I probably owe the Geek an apology as well. Look, I’ll try to be better about this whole thing. This process isn’t easy. I don’t have the comfort of my past addictions to fall back into.” I looked down at my boots, shuffling a little. “I want to go to Greg’s funeral. I want to be there when he comes through the process and can speak again.”

He held out his bony hand. “Yes. I think that would be very good. He knows you and trusts you. I would like you to be there as well. But first, there is much to get ready.”

After that, I sheepishly followed him back into the NecroLab. I made my apologies to Dr. Geek and his staff. I helped them late into the night moving heavy lab tables and strange looking machines that I remembered only fuzzily from my own transition. The menial work seemed to help keep my mind after those troubling thoughts that kept creeping back in.

I don’t trust Drake, or Bernstein for that matter, but I don’t have anything solid against them other than a seemingly long list of strange coincidences and conjecture. Being a cop was dangerous. But was it as dangerous as it has proved to be for the team? I’m not sure of anything at the moment.

So, until I know for sure, I need to stick around and see what these folks are really up to. What is the true agenda of this whole program? Is it truly to preserve the knowledge and experience of good cops? Or perhaps something more sinister? Time and patience will tell, and I appear to have more of the first than I do the second. I need to find that patience of the dead and allow things to play out a little longer.

Meanwhile, I ask you to help me in this.

Please note: I will be travelling for the funeral and will not have the opportuntiy to do any blogging until after the weekend is over and Greg is safely ensconsed in the NecroLab. I promise to provide what details I can afterwards.

Suspicions

It took me awhile to collect myself after yesterdays news that another member of my original team had passed away. After the initial training, there were eight of us. Only six of chose to go forward after our individual meetings with Drake, referenced below in the posts labeled 'The Conversation'.

I was not the first of that final six to be killed. I was the third. The first two, Jerry Roberts and Brian Alderson, passed before me, but for reasons that have never been fully disclosed to me, never reached the stage of being successfully brought back in the same way I was. I believe that Jerry was too badly damaged in the explosion that killed him, he had served in his departments Bomb Disposal Unit. Brian was killed in an off-duty robbery, where the perp appeared to be going after his badge and weapon.

After me, three others were left. Once they learned that my transformation had been successful, they each contacted me e-mail and phone, seeking to find out what the process actually was. I think they each wanted to confirm that this process actually worked. One of my main reasons for starting and maintaining this blog was to give them an inside scoop as to what it was like to be dead and be brought back, I think that was just as important as maintaining my own sanity.

So it came as a pretty big blow to learn that another one of us had fallen. It almost seems like we are cursed, not that I would have believed that to even be a possibility before my own recent experiences with magick. I had a deep suspicion, however, as to which of my three remaining buddies had fallen.

About a week ago, I had gotten a very brief e-mail from Greg Tasker, perhaps my best friend of the remaining three. He had sent me a note indicating that he was considering quitting the program, since his marriage and his relationship with his children was suffering big time with all of the requirements and added stresses of staying in the program. I called him that night, but had to leave a message, since he wasn't picking up his home phone or his cell. I finally got ahold of him on Saturday, he was despondent, saying that his wife Ellen had been suspecting him of having an affair and had left with his two young sons to join her parents over a hundred miles from his home. He had decided that he needed to quit the program, and was going to draft his resignation letter on Monday, after his shift. He had wanted to consult his union attorney on the language he wanted to use, so that there would be no confusion or possible entanglements.

So, after I returned from office, and after I had posted here about what had happened, I did a quick Google search, using his name. Sure enough, he had been killed while reponding to a Party Store robbery. Apparently he was the first officer on scene, and was not aware of a third assailant outside the store when he was exiting his car. According to the news reports about the incident, an outside camera caught the shooting, the third assailant came up from behind him and used a small caliber bullet behind his ear from very close range. Strange thing is, the next officers to respond were able to nab the two knuckleheads as they were coming out of the store, but Greg's killer was nowhere to be found. Allegedly, the two in the store claim they had been approached by the third guy to do the robbery, with the third guy offering to stand as a lookout for the cops. When they heard the shooting, they panicked and hid in the store. By the time they gathered what wits they had, they were surrounded by responding cars from all over the town. Strange. Not that the two mopes in the store got caught, that happens all the time, but things just aren't adding up.

Four out of six dead within four years. That's some pretty strange shit. This appears to be more than mere coincidence of all of us working in a fairly dangerous profession. All cops know that they risk serious injury or death everytime they leave the for work, but they are trained to manage such risks. The six of us were all GOOD cops. I had to do some more digging, so I Googled for stories on the passing of each of who had died (yes, including myself).

My quick search yielded some interesting results. Jerry (the first to go) died three months (late April of 2001) after his meeting with Drake. There was never a claim of responsibility made by any group for the bomb itself, and the crime remains unsolved to this day. He was the only one of the four of us who was single with no dependents.

The next one to get killed, Brian, in the middle of a rather bitter divorce from his wife when he got killed in June of 2002. Again, his killing is unsolved, despite his department throwing all of its resources into tracking down his killer. His badge and weapon have yet to be found.

I was killed on Halloween of 2003. Again, I was recently divorced, although I had felt that I was to blame for the break-up of my marriage, I am beginning to have my doubts there too, but my marriage and what happened in it will be left for another day.

Now Greg too had marital problems, which he blamed at least in part on this program, and just as he was about to tender his resignation and fight for his marriage, he dies in another currently unsolved shooting.

I am seeing some patterns here that I don't like at all.

I was prepared to confront Drake with some of these suspicions this morning at the time he indicated, however, I received a call at 8AM today informing me that he was attending to other matters, and that our meeting was to be postponed until Thursday afternoon. Since he was not going to be around, I was asked to stay home until then, since there was apparently some concern as to my 'anger problems'. Fine by me. That gives me time to do some more research, its about time I applied some of my investigative skills to the patterns I am seeing in these deaths.

It is going to be an interesting meeting on Thursday.