Meditation

This post has been much harder to write than I ever envisioned that it would be.

I had been looking forward to writing about the final and permanent demise of Drake Kampmann for years now. Now that I faced with writing about that very thing, I am filled with a profound sense of sadness and loss that I haven’t felt since my own father passed away twenty years ago.

For the better part of a decade I have both feared and hated Drake Kampmann. At first he was the aloof, mysterious director of the Omega Project—someone who first recruited me and then oversaw my participation in that project—my fate was literally in his hands, in more ways than I cared to consider.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Drake was a ruthless, cold-hearted, evil sociopath who wouldn’t hesitate to kill someone if he thought that there was any advantage to him or his plans by doing so. He used everyone that he ever came into contact with, manipulating them into doing what he wanted done by telling half truths and outright lies. If he ever knew what it was to love another person, he had long allowed the memory of such love to slip from his memory.

So, why do I feel as conflicted by his passing as I do now?

That is hard question to answer.

In part, I think it is because so long as Drake was around, I had a focal point for my own fears and insecurities. He was easy to blame for whatever hardship I faced. If I had never met Drake, I felt like my marriage would have been as strong as it was before, and that I could have sat back, fat and happy, as I watched my kids grow up. I would have advanced easily within the Dearborn Hills Police Department and been getting closer and closer to a nice middle class retirement of watching baseball games and fishing on the weekends.

It is like there is this alternate reality out there—that if Drake had never come looking for me, all of this weird freaky shit would never have happened. People like Papa Locks and El Diablito would have never even existed. Magick would have remained a figment of my wife’s imagination. Monsters like Grendel, Ma Grendel, Doppelgangers, and Banes would have stayed as characters in someone else’s books.

But then I remember all of the wonderful people that I have met because of Drake and I marvel at how the universe works. I would have never met Ravyn Fyre, Jim, Cerrydwen and the Frau. I would have never had the chance to learn about all of the different paths between the worlds that John Red Bear taught me to explore.

If Drake hadn’t found me, would another man, another officer, been able to become the creature that I am now? Would that person have been able to break free from the flawed prison of the Omega Project Chakra yet remained in this world to take on Drake and his cohorts? Would that person have embraced the immortality and been satisfied to exist in that cold, dead shell of his own body? Would that person have become a willing, but less than capable servant, that the Omega Project seemed designed to create?

So much has happened since that time that Drake came to find me—a whole universe of magick and monsters and strange new worlds has been opened up to me to explore—that I cannot even comprehend what it is to be that ‘normal’ guy anymore, living out a quiet, suburban life in ignorant bliss.

As much as I was dragged kicking and screaming into this (un)dead existence, I now can’t imagine things being any different.

There is so much to tell about Drake’s passing and the things that he did while he had use of this body—the messes he made that I am still trying to clear up, the enemies that he tracked down and eliminated, and the gifts he left for me and the ORC’s, but that stuff will have to wait just a little bit longer. I have needed to take this time to contemplate what his passing has meant to me.

There is little enough time for reflection, however, as events have continued to take place. My next series of posts will focus on what has most recently taken place while we tried to recover and safeguard those things that Drake left for us, and what is taking place right now in the Shadows all around as the An’girasii have begun to make moves against us.

The story of Drake’s passing will be a story for another time, since it is one that is worth taking the time to tell well. He deserves at least that, if not much else.