Forgiveness

(The events of this post take place several weeks after the events of the previous post—sorry, but some events must remain hidden for reasons of operational security.)

I stepped from Shadow into the quiet darkness of the pre-dawn wilderness just outside of our hidden haven. Inside my head, though, it was anything but quiet. Dark whispering voices cried out, expressing their hunger, their pain.

After four weeks of constant forays to locate and retrieve stragglers the Bat Cave was bursting at the seams with people. There were very few areas where there weren’t any cots or sleeping mats laid out for ORC’s or their family members. The Frau had been working hard to find each and every person as much space and privacy as the cramped quarters could provide, but even she couldn’t cast a spell that would create enough space for the nearly four hundred survivors that had been assembled.

I needed an opportunity to be alone with my thoughts and to deal with shattered remnants of those dark spirits that remained inside with me. Their voices had become too loud to ignore, too dangerous for those I cared about to be around me. But those chances had been few and far between of late. That was especially true since our latest raid on the headquarters of Bone Financial had stirred up El Diablito and his allies again.

Ravyn had been the impetus behind that raid—she felt it was vital that we inflict a little damage and inconvenience on our enemies. It had been wildly successful, but retribution against our few remaining agents and allies that hadn’t been hit in the first series of attacks had been swift and severe.

My hard-soled boots crunched on the stony ground of the hillside. Even the thick layer of pine needles and low grasses couldn’t keep my steps from scraping loudly in the stillness of the pre-dawn darkness. But the clamoring inside of those dark souls almost kept me from hearing my own steps.

The air was probably cold at this time, but I couldn’t feel it. I never have to breathe unless I need to say something, but even if I did my breath wouldn’t bring about any steam since my body generates no warmth. Extremely cold temperatures used to affect my inner workings, when I still needed the infusions of sugared soda pop to keep me operating, but ever since my encounter with Ma Grendel, flushing and gushing was no longer necessary—small residual bits of her life essence had fused with my body, providing all of the energy I would ever need to keep working. That same dark energy also healed my body of any wounds I suffered, usually within minutes, depending on how severe the blow had been.

Those things came with a price, however. While I had gained a number of powers and abilities over the Shadow and a huge host of memories from Ma Grendel, I had also inherited a darker side. Most of the time, I was able to control the urges, the hungers, or those evil little voices deep inside, but the more people that I was around for extended periods of time, the more those voices were able to play on my own innate insecurities and darker moods. With the Bat Cave as cramped as it was for the last month or so, I was getting dangerously close to snapping and doing some things that I would’ve regretted.

I turned uphill and began trudging to the summit of the hill, towards the Sacred Circle that mirrored the exact placement of the obelisk in the Shadowland.

Each obelisk was unique, but they all shared some powers. One of those shared powers was that no one, no matter how skilled or powerful in their use of magick, could locate one through the use of magick. Just like Drake had been, each obelisk was invisible to detection through any kind of magick.

John had told me that the obelisk was located at the top of this particular mountain, but that it could only bee seen in the Shadowland. I had to discover for myself though that the thing wouldn’t let anyone or anything approach it within the Shadowland. Even with the amulet that allowed us to use the transportation chamber below, it blocked all approaches to itself within the Shadowland itself.

The closest that I had been able to get to it within the Shadowland was a few hundred yards from the summit where it stood. It stood there in the distance, a towering pillar of obsidian stone that simply radiated power like a radio tower in the real world. It was easily a hundred feet tall and forty feet in diameter at the bottom. It narrowed gradually, coming to a point well above the nearest trees. Even at the distance I had been from it, I had been able to make out strangely glowing and moving runes that appeared at seemingly random points on the obelisk before they shifted shapes and positions, like a foreign language neon sign in Times Square.

I had tried every trick I knew of moving about in the Shadowland, including flying, but I could never approach closer than three or four football fields to it.

So I gave up on approaching the thing within the Shadowland and had decided to hike to the summit. I needed the time alone anyway.

Herne had simply nodded and clapped me on the shoulder when I told him I was going. “Good, you need to get away for a bit.”

“Have I been that bad?”

He nodded. “You nearly took that kids head off last night when he bumped into you. Go, recharge your batteries.”

I shook my head as I walked away. “If only it was that damn simple.” But Herne was right. I had spun around and raised my arm to strike before I even realized it when that kid of fifteen had barreled into me trying to escape his friend. He had gone completely pale as he realized who he crashed into and what I had been about to do.

The kid had stammered his apologies, but I was lost in my own world of dark whispers and a sudden hunger to exact revenge. Luckily for both of us, Cerrydwen had been passing by and rushed over to get between us. She, of all the people I knew, understood the darkness that lay inside of me.

She placed her left hand on my raised fist and spoke softly to me. “Easy, Rusty. Let it go.”

Her simple presence and her quiet reassurances brought me back to the moment. “Damn. What the hell was I going to do?”

She turned to the boy and waved him away. “Go on Darren, Rusty knows it was accident. He accepts your apology. Why don’t you and your friend there head to the library? I’m sure the Frau could use some of your energy to get that place organized better.”

Darren had nodded and ducked out of the hallway, glad to be away from me.

It only took about thirty minutes to reach the crown of the mountain from where I had come out of the Shadow, but in that time the first sliver of morning sunlight had begun to lighten the eastern horizon. The mountain was not particularly tall, but it was tallest of the nearby peaks. Even so, the summit was still crowned with smaller pine trees that leaned to the east from the constant wind. There was one wide area, however, that was barren of all growth. It was a circular patch of ground about sixty feet in diameter, with an inner circle about forty feet in diameter that was clearly marked out by deliberately placed stones, each no larger than a closer fist. The inside of the smaller circle was barren, hard-packed dirt, except for in the very center. In the center was a small set of larger rocks that formed the edge of a fire pit.

I recognized the spot immediately as the exact place where the obelisk stood in the Shadowland. By entering the circle of smaller stones, a person would be simultaneously inside the Shadow of the obelisk and in a place of power.

John had indicated that this place had been sacred to each of the various tribes of Native Americans who had controlled this land, that this was a place that shamans and warriors had come to participate in vision quests without ever knowing of the existence of the obelisk in the Shadowland that stood in that very spot.

As I approached the circle, I could feel the power of this place. The dark whispering inside my head reached a crescendo as they objected to my coming here, crying out in fear and pain, but I pushed them away and crossed the threshold. As soon as I did, they stopped as if a switch had been thrown.

I signed in relief as my mind was finally as quiet and peaceful as the outer world around me. I was alone with my own thoughts and just my own inner voice for the first time in weeks. I knew it had been bad, but now in the total absence of their hounding, I realized just how loud and obnoxious they had become. I needed to come here far more often.

As the eastern sky continued to brighten, I moved to the center of the circle near the fire pit. In the distance I heard the sharp, piercing cry of an angle soaring high above on the warming currents. Glancing up, I saw the majestic bird as it circled high above me before continuing on its own journey.

I smiled to myself and sat down. “Thanks, John. I needed this.”

I felt a tremendous welling of emotion as I thought back to all that John Red Bear had done and all that he had sacrificed for the greater good in a battle that had never been his to fight.

For the first time since I learned of his dealings with Drake, I found myself truly able to forgive him. Now that the dark voices within had been silenced, even if only for a short while, I could begin to appreciate all that he had given up to help Drake bring me to this point of self-realization.

The sun finally rose above the peaks to the east, shining gloriously on the verdant greens and deep rich browns of this magnificent land. I could feel the cleansing burn of the sunlight on my mostly artificial skin as it washed over me. The shadowy spiritual remnants of Ma Grendel and her thousands of victims cringed quietly, hiding deep within the cracks of my flawed and all-too-human Spirit.

This beautiful, peaceful feeling was better than almost anything that I had ever experienced while I had been alive.